Fall (Original 2010)

I love fall in Seattle. What can I compare it to for those who haven't experienced it, or who don't feel the change of seasons? I walked around my neighborhood tonight, and the air was filled with the smell of burning leaves, there was a slight chill, but it was far from being cold. My only wish is that the fall could last longer before the long, dark days of winter. Why can't the sun filter through the bright red and orange leaves just a bit longer before the dark clouds cover the sky making it hard to face another day?

I haven't written for awhile, not for lack of things to write, but I have been pondering the direction of my blog. What is my purpose? I could go on talking about the weather, but that is just breaking the ice. I have never been good at small talk, and when I write about surface things, I don't feel like I am being true to who I am, or what I really want to express.

I believe everyone has a story worth sharing, and from an early age, I have wanted to write mine. The only issue I had was that I have not always liked the story I have been given, and yet this is the one I have. At 45 years of age, I am finally learning to stop comparing, and start living out God's plan for me. It looks so different from what I would have imagined, and yet I can say it is better than anything I would have dreamed up on my own.

Because my life story contains words like mental illness (bipolar), divorce, and others that either have a stigma attached, or are a result of bad decisions I have made, I tend to want to hide those elements on a shelf of non-disclosure while writing only about what I want people to see, which is what makes me look good. The more I interact with people, however, the more I understand that we are all broken, and we all have things we wish we could change.

My story is also filled with hope I find in my relationship with Christ. Without that, I would have nothing. After much thought about my blog, and where I want to take it, I have decided to be more transparent, and my hope is to encourage others through my story, and how God is there during both good times and bad.

When the sun is shining, and the weather is beautiful, I feel invigorated.. filled with hope. When the days are dark, I feel the opposite; sometimes hopeless. Many people in Seattle suffer from this kind of depression during the winter. Mine is a bit more extreme due to my illness, so I have to be intentional about filling my mind with things that are true, and doing things that will be beneficial to my health.

The other day, I was reading Psalm 119:28-29. "I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions."

I have not been able to forget these words. This tells me that God sees my tears when I am hurting, and he is there to encourage me. I also have a responsibility to constantly feed myself thoughts that are true.

Blessings to you if you are reading. Thank you for taking the time to know me!