Kindness

This morning I was supposed to go for a walk with my neighbor at 10:00.  It seemed like a great idea the night before, but this morning, feelings hopelessness enveloped me.  The thought of getting out of bed gave me knots in my stomach. All I wanted to do was hibernate. I knew I would have to get up, but couldn't.  Justin was still in bed, so I didn't have to attend to him yet.

I wanted five more minutes, and then five more passed.  I  struggled to think of any reason to leave my warm covers. What would I say to her? Surely she would get upset if I backed out. The clock was ticking. I cleared my throat to see if it was sore, but it wasn't. Telling her I was sick wasn't an option, but the truth seemed too risky.  I settled on texting her to say I had had a rough morning, so I left it at that. I asked her if we could get together later in the day.  She wasn't available later. Instead of being upset, she texted back and told me to "Be kind to myself."

I love her answer, as it is the opposite of what I tend to do to myself.  My tendency is to try harder, and feel guilty for not keeping my word.  What would it look like to be kinder to myself? It is so much easier to be kind to other people, and to be understanding.  Yet, if I can't love myself well, it is hard to love others. If I would have forced myself to go out of trying to please my neighbor, it could have gone really well.  I might have been glad I got up and made the effort, or I might have felt resentful for going when I didn't really want to. Most likely, the first would have resulted.

In any case, I do like the idea of being kinder to myself.